I looked for my breath but you'd already taken it
You looked into my eyes and my heart filled my ears
Are you righteous? Kind? Do you see beauty in things?
I thought you liked me because I actually acted liked myself
I never thought I would see you again so, "Why not?"
We're all so naive when we wake up in the morning
Are you what I've been waiting for? Are you the sunlight?
When we met the next week we barely saw each other
But then I knew what I wanted
Whenever I think of you cocoons burst in my stomach and food tastes like last week's breezes
Is your beauty only surpassed by your soul? Are you a dream?
It was a month until I saw you again but it was eternity
We said hi but you went away after that
When you came back to the house that night I looked up and saw my heels
What do you think about? Do you write about me too?
The sea of your eyes are the answers to the universe
I think if I swam in them I could be cured of anything
You lit this flame in me
I was a prisoner, you set me free
I am your prisoner
I like this poem a lot. Your word choice is not difficult but not easy, it flows really well. I would put in a you in "Are you righteous". I would get rid of so I was like and have it say so, "Why not?" Her big blue eyes could be the answer not answers? I love that all your stanza's end with questions, I love that I think it is very creative. However, I would make the last stanza a finalizing one. And leave it You lit this flame in me. I was a prisoner, you set me free. Really good job though! Oh, I also loved the way you used time as you went on in your poem. It made the reader grip in and feel the struggle and pain that you have been going through for a long time. Good Job!
ReplyDeleteThanks a lot! I forgot to put "you" in the last line of the first stanza so I fixed it haha. Thanks for the other suggestions too!
ReplyDeleteYou turned my heart to flub.
ReplyDeleteI really enjoyed this poem! I think that you tend to under estimate yourself as a writer, but you did a great job! I love the simplicity of your word choice because it makes it easy for the reader to understand, grasp, and relate to. My only major suggestion would be to change some of your longer sentences to phrases that might make the poem flow better. I also think that you should not include "Who lit this flame in me?" in the last stanza. Or if you want to keep it, I don't think that you should make it a question so that it can be a more finalizing statement. Also, maybe find another way to describe "big blue eyes". Other than that, though, I think you did a great job conveying your emotions in your poem and I definitely enjoyed reading it. Good job!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much Kelly! I used simple words and phrasing because I wanted to describe a child-like sense of awe when experiencing love, that's how I feel whenever it happens anyway lol. Thanks for the suggestions as well!
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